


Good Vibrations

by knittedace



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, Embarrassment, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Implied Masturbation, Inappropriate Humor, Laughter, Male-Female Friendship, Sex Toys, Teasing, The Vault (Doctor Who), Vibrators, Weaponised Embarrassment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-05 01:13:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11567229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knittedace/pseuds/knittedace
Summary: ‘Doctor, I want a vibrator,’ Missy said.She timed it perfectly. The Doctor choked on his tea, spluttering delightfully as half his mouthful splashed into his cup. He set it back down, clattering against his saucer, and picked up a napkin; from the way he dabbed it against his face she suspected she’d actually managed to get him to snort some out his nose. She mentally awarded herself full marks.‘Oh dear, too hot?’ she asked, with as much innocence as she could muster. ‘Iamsorry.’





	Good Vibrations

**Author's Note:**

  * For [coffee_mage](https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffee_mage/gifts).



‘Doctor, I want a vibrator,’ Missy said.

 

She timed it perfectly. The Doctor choked on his tea, spluttering delightfully as half his mouthful splashed into his cup. He set it back down, clattering against his saucer, and picked up a napkin; from the way he dabbed it against his face she suspected she’d actually managed to get him to snort some out his nose. She mentally awarded herself full marks.

 

‘Oh dear, too hot?’ she asked, with as much innocence as she could muster. ‘I _am_ sorry.’

 

The Doctor saw right through her act, of course, and glared at her as he put the tea-stained napkin down. ‘No.’

 

‘No? But why not?’

 

‘I am not buying you… _that_. No. Absolutely not.’

 

He was turning pink, just a little, and how could she _not_ push him further? ‘It’s not like you to be so cruel to a prisoner, Doctor,’ she said, widening her eyes as though wounded and taking a sip of her own tea. ‘I thought this was supposed to be rehabilitation, not punishment.’

 

‘Not buying you a… _sex toy_ , isn’t cruel. Or punishment.’

 

‘The Shadow Proclamation’s charter on the ethical treatment of prisoners specifically states that provisions must be made for appropriate fulfilment of sexual needs, including the right to pleasure and _orgasm_ ,’ she said, delighting in the way his expression wobbled in mild horror as she said the word orgasm. ‘The Fourth Great and Bountiful Human Empire specifically lists vibrators as something a prisoner must be provided upon request. The First Intergalactic Charter includes-’

 

‘How do you even know all of these codes?’ The Doctor protested. ‘It’s not like you’ve ever followed any. The answer is still no.’

 

‘Why not? Don’t I at least have the right to know _that_?’ She was hoping she could actually get him to say the word. He was never particularly interested in sex things, but even more so this time around, and the thought of the word vibrator falling awkwardly out of that lecturer-slash-grandad mouth was hilarious.

 

‘Electronics,’ he said. ‘They’ve got… motors and stuff inside. You could take one apart and use it to create a weapon.’

 

‘Are you thinking of all those times I threatened you with my lovely old tissue compression eliminator?’ she asked, miming pointing it at the Doctor. ‘It was _exceptionally_ phallic, wasn’t it? You don’t notice these things so much while you’re a man. It wasn’t actually made from a dildo, I should point out, it just looked like it. Did you ever think that when I was waving it around? Was I trying to be all threatening, and you were just there thinking _wow, that couldn’t look more like a dildo if he tried, it’s like we’re on the set of a really bad porno and any minute now he’s going to tie me up and shove it right up my-_ ’

 

‘ _Missy_ ,’ the Doctor interrupts, and she couldn’t have held back the cackle of laughter if she’d tried. His face, by now, was covered in crimson splotches, and there was a distinct hunted look in his eyes. ‘Stop messing with me.’

 

‘Sorry. I couldn’t resist,’ she said, not at all sorry, and took another sip of her tea. ‘But I was serious about wanting a vibrator. I just can’t _quite_ get off sometimes, it’s very frustrating.’

 

The Doctor rubbed at his eyes with one hand. ‘You can have… something that doesn’t vibrate. Or contain any other electronic parts.’

 

‘Like what?’

 

Say the word, say the word... ‘Like a… phallus.’

 

She burst out laughing, spluttering into giggles behind her hands. ‘A _phallus_ , Doctor, really-’

 

‘A dildo! You can have a dildo, alright?’

 

Two points to her! She wiped the tears from her eyes and attempted to refocus on the conversation. The Doctor was now unable to meet her eyes. ‘Not that I don’t appreciate the offer, Doctor, but I really do need something with a little more buzz. You see, the clitoris-’

 

The Doctor put his face in his hands and groaned something that sounded like, ‘I know about the clitoris.’ Three points.

 

‘Well if you did, my dear, you wouldn’t be arguing. Vibrations are just necessary sometimes, it’s as simple as that.’

 

‘You have _hands_ ,’ the Doctor pointed out, in apparent desperation. ‘I never needed anything else-’

 

He realised what he’d just said mid-sentence, and cut himself off with an odd choking noise, turning positively scarlet. He looked like he was about to regenerate on the spot from sheer embarrassment. Missy sat back in her chair, smirking internally, admiring her handiwork. Not that she had any intention of _stopping_. ‘That’s lovely for you, Doctor, but I’m afraid my clitoris doesn’t work at all like a penis. You can’t just rub it until you pop. Don’t get me wrong, it does have its upsides too - multiple orgasms are lovely - but let’s just say there’s a reason your beloved humans invented such a variety of toys.’

 

The Doctor slumped over the table, face buried in his arms, the very picture of defeat. ‘Please, please, Missy, _stop_ ,’ he begged.

 

‘Really, you should be in favour of this. Don’t you keep going on about wanting me to find redemption?’ The Doctor raised his head a little at that, just enough to give her a disbelieving look. ‘You’re always wanting me to find harmless things to do for fun; well, what could be more harmless than a little masturbation? And self-love! Weren’t you going on last week about the need for me to love myself so that I could love other people - or whatever it was, I wasn’t really paying attention. Well, this is quite _literally_ -’

 

‘Okay!’ the Doctor said. ‘Okay. I give in. I will buy you a… a vibrator.’

 

Four points! Game, set, and match. She grinned and clapped her hands. ‘Thank you thank you thank you!’ And then - just as he was beginning to look relieved, just as he thought it was over - she added, ‘Let’s talk specs.’

 

‘Specs?’

 

‘Of course. You’ve no idea what you’re looking for, you’ll get me completely the wrong thing and have to take it back. You can’t just walk into an adult store and pick up the first thing you see; toys have to be chosen carefully.’

 

‘They all work the same. Don’t they? Can’t you just, use any of them…’

 

‘Can you use a transstable matter destabiliser in a Type-40 TARDIS? No, you cannot - although you’ve probably tried. We need to discuss size, we need to discuss shape, material, texture, vibration quality-’

 

The Doctor had resumed his position on the table, head hidden in his arms. ‘You’re not going to let me escape this conversation, are you?’

 

‘Absolutely not. I haven’t had this much fun in _months_.’

 

His shoulders started to shake. She leaned forwards, puzzled, but then a giggle escaped the Doctor’s arms and she realised he was laughing. After a few moments he looked up at her - a look of fond frustration on his face, eyes edged with tears, his skin still deeply red as his expression contorted with laughter - and she couldn’t help it, the sight of him pulled the hilarity out of her too, until they were both sat at her table, laughing at themselves like a pair of idiots.

 

Let him laugh. She was holding him to that promise.

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't encountered the Master's tissue compression eliminator, do yourself a favour and google images it. It is easily the most phallic object the Doctor has ever been menaced with. Thanks for reading!


End file.
